Thursday, June 19, 2008

Dating Woes + In this life + In this life 2 = confusion and heartbreak

Dating woes + in this life + in this life 2

Those who knew me and H as a couple, please read everything through, sorry if some of you don't understand it but its the only way I could clarify everything up..

These are the two recent entries that described me and my relationship. Sadly these 3 entries have hurt the person I love the most other than my family. I am sorry if some of you do not understand some of this, because like my blog title my there are many sides of my of my life that I will not and could not reveal. Yes I was a in a relationship with H and most of you know who H is. We been together since January 21 after I got out of a bad relationship. H came to me like a heavenly light in my dimmed dark world. I was so happy too find H. H was everything I wanted in a person. H was something that made me felt whole again. H was the one I have been waiting all my life. We have been dating almost 5 months, people who knew me and H, know how affectionate we both are. There are mutual friends that H shared with me, whom have become my good friends too. I loved what H and I had, I loved it at bit too much, I planned my future with H already even though H told me not to do it because so many things could happen down the road. I ignored H and continued my fairy tail life with H. H told me so many times not to get ahead and just focus with the present. I failed to do so and kept dreaming. I failed to be alive in the present and failed to noticed small signs that my relationship was not working as it should.

Friends told me something was wrong, strangers told me something was wrong, but NO!! I ignored every word they say and saying they were wrong. Basically May and Jun was the start of the breakdown of H and me. H and I went to the first place we met privately together, and discussed about our relationship. Only that night, I finally opened my eyes and ears to what H has to say. I was woken up from a dream, into a nightmare that lasted till last night. I was so heartbroken and felt so dumb. I had a series of breakdowns and as a result my blog entries became bitter and depressed. H told me something I heard so many times before which "I like you as a brother" I just kept quiet about it and praying that it was not true but alas so many signs and symptoms of a "brotherly love" appeared so much that even I felt it.

A brother??? I felt like the world was dropped on me. All this time I was just a brother... Then that series of depression just started and I was in a mess. I was in denial, even when H asked me out for movies I still went even though I was bitter. When we had dinner together with a bunch of friends, I still accompanied with H even though the reason I went there because I wanted to meet my other friends. I was this psychological jerk who was bent on revenge, but I kept my cool because I was still sane, barely sane. However the stress of a bent stupid expensive gate and the fear my dad's rage against the family, put in out of control. So I had another breakdown..

I found out that I never forgave H and I was suppressing my emotion, I broke down into a serious depression. My good friend who came all the way from the south to meet me and his new gf told me I had serious mental problem just like he did when he broke up with his first love. Right now he is on medication to treat it and he has to stay on it. I was so unstable I was so sad, but I tried to fight it, tried to get my self back together. I started to meet with my good friends and met new people. My friend who is from the south came to visit me, I was excited because we chatted for almost a year before he came to visit me in UPM, after visiting his new girlfriend. I was happy seeing him because he is one of my dear friend whom has all my secrets.

I was starting to forgive H, I was starting to forgive my self,meeting new people and suddenly given me hope, that I still do love H with all my heart, and if it means to be "siblings" why not. I am not losing anything, I gained "family" even though its not the conventional way. I was almost finally able to get over it, for good. But last night was the catalyst for me too really have H back in my life, as a friend, as a sibling.

A stranger suddenly add me up on YM, this stranger was K, K was the friend of my last relationship with A. A was someone I looked up too and we hang out last year, I made a mistaked oh hanging out with K a lot that it cost me my money and time. I told K about all the things that A have done to me and how A is the type who would sleep around. I mean I waited for A to realised I was the best one but A was ignorant, so I left P. K felt cheated and stupid like I did, for spending so much money and time on that skank whore. K was the one who gossiped with me about A about how A treated him the same way A treated me. It never felt so good to gossip, I suddenly felt so happy. I was ready to be friends with H again, H was again someone special in my life, even though we can't be together at least we could be friends.

So all my friends, blogger friends and non blogger friends please stop calling, smsing, emailing H about what had happened to me. It was not H's fault, it was all my confusion and wishful thinking. H is not my common enemy, A was my common enemy that I shared with K. The "in this life 2" was an entry made to tell the world I am ready to be whole again and to get H back into my life. Sadly all of our concerned and caring friends started to blame H for my crazyness, rage and depression. I was supposed to meet H today at Pavillion for a movie, I was planing the whole speech about how I am sorry for being such a moody jerk even though I claimed to be friends. I was planning to be what we were supposed to be when we first got together, what H has told me but I refuse to listen

Please everyone who sms, called, org emailed H. Please don't blame him.. for what I have done, the last entry had nothing to do with H. H has been nothing but an angel for me. Please I am begging all of you...

H, please forgive me. I am so sorry that your reputation has been tarnished for my writings. If you don't want to see me again and banished me from your life and from your world, I understand, what I have done was sheer evil and caused you much so much pain and caused your reputation on the line. Maybe this is why we cannot be together..... I am sorry..
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