Suddenly Mushroom

Suddenly mushroom. I went karaokeing with my siblings the other night. The karaoke package includes a buffet spread and free flow drinks (out goes the diet again, although the teas that I drank which was included in the buffet, seamed to have a cleansing effect). One of the dishes that were served in the buffet was these wonderfully juicy mushrooms. I have absolutely no idea what type they are, but they are black and juicy. Almost fishball like juiciness. It reminded me of a show on Food Network on Astro Beyond, where this Southern USA lady was preparing these portbello mushroom burgers. The mushrooms were so huge, they were used as patties to make these wonderful looking mushroom burgers. I was in a mushroom mode, I feel I need to have more mushrooms. Even my usual claypot dish that I always seem to eat at The Mines, food court, had mushrooms in it. I feel the need to have mushrooms till I am sick of it.

Absolutely Positively Takde Keje Lain

This post is so vain, if you could raised one eye brow, you would too. I just gotten a haircut, and its always a bit different everytime I get it but its always being done according to my taste. Something simple as keeping the side and back very short and cutting the crown with a layering scissors, make simple "crew cut", just a bit different. Heck, I am all about crew cuts, is the only hair style I like to have and maintain. My sideburn is back, after it was accidentally shaven off, due to my mistake of being trimmer happy (always used the guard with the trimmer ALWAYS). A sideburn is very important, it frames the face nicely, and keeps its from going roundish, if you are chubby like me with a chubby face. Another that suddenly appear is the black patch on my right cheek, the side burn seem to hide it or camoflauge it. Weird... Another nice thing, my contact lenses did not cause my eyes to be red at the end of the day. This problem is further augmentated that I have coloured lenses. I just can't stop liking my Geo lenses Magic Color 3 tone lenses. It looks grey, green and brown at certain times of day, almost like how a friend of a friend who has naturally hazel eye, and he is 100% Malay. WICKED!!! How about blemish free skin, and shine free skin. Perhaps is the mild weather today and that I washed my face with water a few hours ago, and that I finally found a sunblock that is not greasy. Sadly, the sunblock is no longer sold in Malaysia, or at least at every god damn pharmacy I went in. Too bad I got a facial hair above my lips that looks like adolescent boy or girl, which has to be shaven off because its looks damn ridiculous. I don't it grew anymore than it did when I was 12. Eh.. can't have everything right..

*although everything seem to fall apart, other things seem to come together....

What's in it?

Yesterday, I went and organized my trousers compartment in my closet. I had to do it, because my other trousers won't fit in them anymore. That means, there pairs of trousers that need to be thrown away and need to be organized so that more can be fit it. It does not help that its the same compartment where I keep my towels too. I have to sacrifice my junk drawer I think to fit everything in.

Today, I was inspired despite all the negative things that had happened, to do reorganized the compartment where I put in all my stationary in. I have forgotten how much stationary I have. Mind you, 1/3 of it, was courtesy of forgetful students who came to the lab that I was in.

There random but important things such as a lip balm and nail clipper. It seems I like to be able to cut my nails at anytime I please. Such a random post, but the way everything is so damn organized, like you have a maid on hand.

A rambling of a damn fool

I feel there is a target on me

Actually I have no idea for a title, but yeah, its kinda true.. oh who am I kidding, its 100% true. Its my rambling, and lately, I got tons of it. If my Blackberry is connected to the RIM service, you would probably hear more of my ramblings, updated almost anywhere.

Lately, rambling is all that I have been writing, except for the "You Again" movie contest, which I won. However even that contest, does not feel like a contest, since the event that happened really made me think about how left out sometimes I felt at school and how socially awkward I can be. Make no mistake, I can be really extrovert if I choose to, but sometimes I just wanna hide in corner somewhere.

Gosh, I just clean up my closet for the god knows how many times. Its still cluttered. I am guilty of this syndrome, we call hoarding. I just don't throw stuff away. I would say I am a mild hoarder, since I do throw stuff away. I just need it to be so cluttered that I had to threw some stuff away of I will be tripping over them.

I got rejected for my tutor application. It was very heartbreaking.. No actually it was very frustrating since the reason given was my I did not fulfill the required CGPA. Well they said the required CGPA is 3.0 above and I did get above that. Are they biased since I am from a private college? are they checking every semester of my degree days to see if I have 3.0 in each semester? Yes, I did drop below 3.0 in one semester but I also managed to get 3.5 in another semester too. Are they judging based on my diploma CGPA which is 2.12, it was not my proudest moment, but I learned from my mistakes. I can accept my rejected application if the reason given was logical.

I can't help it, this whole rejection thing, plus an aching back due to gym (which will get worse on the second day), lack of sleep, and my thesis quality, is really making me want to be that introvert person, and be drawn in deeply. Perhaps being drawn in deeply is what I actually need. I almost feel like running away, but I always finish what I started, well almost, but then I always finish all of my studies

Its kinda like a cruel joke, specifically for me, when people said I should just further my Phd, and worry work later. Seriously, sure its sounds fun getting money from your parents, but its not what I want to do now. The shame, embarrassment, helplessness, feeling tied up, feeling that I have more responsibility, the feel that I can't get mad, the feeling that I must agree with everything they do. Its tiring, so mentally tiring, I want to escape it all.

I did feel better for a while, then I dwell on the feeling and started feeling terrible all over again. Silly Budlee, always getting distracted by all the little things

If You Can't Say Something Nice, Say Nothing At All

Really?

If that title was something I truly followed, then, not much conversation could be done with my brother and dad. Wait..

I don't even talk them at all.

Ah so this word of wisdom does make sense after all.

I mean, I can't be really mean to my dad, after all, he is my dad and he does pay all of the bill so basically he got a chain around my neck. Regardless of everything I don't like about him, he is still dad. Oh yah, he gave me his genetics. Not much can I do really

Then we the idiot I called a brother. Actually, if I really think about it, I think he is pure genius. He practically gets away with everything. So many things he has done, and yet, nothing was done. I don't care if he doing things of his own, but when he involves me in it. Yeah, its hell.

Especially about cars. He uses them, and not take care of them. He just does not have the responsibility to do it. Why? because I do it for him, because my mother wanted me to do it instead of him. You see, he does not have to worry, he can do all kind of crap, and he knows somebody will support his lazy ass. Yes people told me, to take power, to control, but the car was paid fully by my dad. I feel like I am trap and enslave to it. Besides, if the car does go wrong, and my dad was driving it, we all had to take the blame.

My mom? well, she is getting old, and getting more laid back with the children. Which is why, brother can be such an ass and can get away with it. I can't talk to him, because I can' talk normally to him. I want smack his face, and yell on top of my lungs, but noo, cannot, its not right, its not the way to communicate. Seriously go fuck off all of you who thinks that way. You fucking don't know what the fucking I had to deal with, with the fucking moron. Oh yah, he gets the backing of my parents.

Lucky bastard, or better yet Lucky Smart Ass Bastard. One of the reasons my mother told me, that she hates to tell him to do anything, is that he will procrastinate and postpone till she is fed up. Then he does this face which makes her fed up. Then my mother will make a face to me, which makes me fed up, and at last, I do the work. Congrats him for being such a manipulator.

I could sense it when he was like 4. That little manipulating punk. Dear god, let me stay away from that little shit head. I don't care if he wants to lie away into my parents fortune, just do it, with out me there.

Gymeat

Gymeat??

No, not a new type of meat or a vegan meat made from soy bean. Its gym + eating = no change at all. Of course people would say, you need to eat, or you'll die, but come on. Healthy eating, is, well.. healthy.

We are talking lean meats, non oily, non processed, no refined starch, bla bla bla bla. Small meals every 2 hours, no meals after 8pm, drink enough water. bla bla bla.

Then we have the gym which is the exercise. Those are doing cardio, keeping your heart rate at optimum level for at least 20 minutes, doing resistance training, proper breathing, stretching and proper posture.

Its a lot to swallow. Some people managed to make the switch and never looked back. Me? Gosh.. I don't know if I do. I don't like hate my body or is ashamed of it, I mean I do try to find clothes now that are not to tight but not so effin loose that I look like a tent. My friends will know, that I will be the first one to get half naked and jump into the pool, while the rest of my friends with bulging biceps are ashamed of their little tummy. You know story, the one where I swam in a pool facing KLCC, great times, great times indeed.

Sometimes I do get jealous of the media, portraying really good looking well built men, surrounded by beautiful women. Yes, the media does exaggerated it, but its part of nature for females to find the best looking males to ensure their offspring become the best. You know the peacock with the colorful feathers are male, while the female look dull and gray.

I mean sometimes, I do get jealous and actually become more pump at the gym but then a glass of soda and bag of salty fried things, are really really good. I will never go anyway with this. Heck, I lost weight during the fasting month, because I actually ate a lot less and still do a lot more activity than I did in the normal months.

Its either be happy, or diet and exercise till you look and feel good. One thing though, about exercise, that I actually really like is that..

• your skin become in better condition
• you sleep better
• your bowel movements is so much smoother and easier

*bowel movement = berak... XD

I guess I'll keep on doing it, and then at least try to mind what I am eating and perhaps follow a fellow blogger tip. Find a tight fitting shirt and wear it with a tight fitting short. If its tight, you have gain weight, if it fits, then you are right on track, if its loose, well better get new set of fitting shirts and shorts. This will be your guide, regardless of how much you weight. Baggy clothes are comfort clothes, destined to make you feel better when gaining weight.

For me though, seeing someone with a body type that I admire, some how fuel this desire even more that the scale, or clothes. Its like, I wanna be like that guy, he looks great, look at that swagger, like Tom cat (male cat) at the back alley.

Focus

How do people keep focus? I always look track of my focus. The only thing that is focuses is my contact lenses helping my eyes to focus. Even that is creating problems now. Sometimes my eyes get dry and the contact lenses fall out. I manage to pop it back it without the usage of a mirror and solution as long as my eyes were watery. After years of wearing it, you kinda have the feeling of putting in your lenses in an emergency, although a mirror is a huge help.

These 1 year lenses are okay, but somehow I can’t shake the feeling that it would only last a few months, based on my last experience with a 1 year lense. Well at least, these lenses are cheap, like RM35 a pair, instead of like RM180 a pair. I just have to ensure I vigorously rub the lenses during cleaning to remove the protein.

I do hope I don’t get an eye infection again. People who wear contact lenses are more likely to get all sorts of eye infection, due to us, putting in, a foreign object into our eyes and have it there all day long.

Although colored lenses are fake, at least I still need to wear them to correct my vision. These are Geo Lenses from Korea called Magic Color 3 tone, in grey. Trust me, they only appear during flash photography, you can barely see them in real life, which is good or bad depending on the effect you want. The lenses are small, around 14.0mm, compared to Freshlook 14.5 mm lenses or the current trend of wearing 16.0mm lenses. I find them okay, since they are not as comfortable as my Softlens 38, since the color pigments due block the oxygen content a bit. It does depend on your eyes though.

Type Of Shopper

I wonder what type of shopper am I. Am I a compulsive shopper, who buys based on something that immediately attracts their mind? Am I an emotional shopper who shop based on the heart? Am I the “keeping up with the Joneses” shopper that needs to be updated with everything? Am I the tech geek? Am I the buy everything regret later?

I have no idea. I have a hate love affair with shopping. I love to get new things, but I just can’t imagine how expensive things can be. I hate that when I do get something new, I will regret it soon after. I hate shopping because I will have less money to spend it on afterwards.

However things that I absolutely love to spend on, is probably grocery. Take me to the nearest Hypermarket and I will be immediately at home. Not electronic stores, not the clothing department but the groceries.


Spices, sugar, packets of rice
Everything is so nice

Coffee, tea, or Milo
I should pick up some seaweed gelatin to make jello

Dynamo, Febreeze and Clorox
Ooooh look at that patch that claims to detox

Shampoo, soap, hair gel and toothpaste
Been in here too long, must make haste

You Again?

First and for most, I gotta say something first. Wow, Betty White is like everywhere now, she is 80 something and still quite active in acting. You should see her Snicker's commercial in the US. Hey its Kristen Bell, she used to star in now no longer produced series Veronica Mars and she was on Heroes as a villain who is able to command electricity but who then got her head cut open by Sylar. Odette Yustman, such a exotic name, I wonder where she is from, not much that is known about her except that she was on this movie called Cloverfield, a movie which cause many movie goers to throw up due to motion sickness. We then have Jamie Lee Curtis, wow she looks really old now, but good. I think she pass on most of the plastic surgery other Hollywood actress took. I still remember her dance scene in True Lies. Sigourney Weaver, our Avatar girl, without her blue skin and khakis but traded it into something red and shiny.

YOU AGAIN? Yeah, we all have some one from our past that made our lives feel like hell. What if you met them again, ergh.. scary.. even worse, they will be part of your family.... the worst of all, they will be a part of your close family. That means every celebration, weddings, and funerals, they will be there. AAAAAAH!!!!!!

I got a lot of people who tormented me in school but the worse would probably be in secondary school. I did not really have just one person against me, I have like a bunch of boys who just liked to pick on me. They just like to see my reaction toward anything they did.

Some said, it was just a joke, and I should just be cool about it, but I can't. I don't get the jokes, the pranks or the whatever they thought that was funny. All I got was my own frustration and their laughter. Which in turn made me mad, and made me feel lonesome and out of place. It continued on from Form 2 to Form 3. When I was in form 3, that was my final breaking point

I went back after lunch to find out, that my bag fill with a trash can. Not just trash, they actually put the whole trash can in my bag. I went berserk after wards and started to throw everything all over the classroom. Well, you know how caring Malaysians was, all the nearby classes started to came by and watch while I freaked out. I don't really remember what happened afterwards, there were no meeting with teachers nor there was any suspension of anyone. After the day that I finally had enough, the teasing stopped, and the boys just stopped bothering me.

There were still minor teasing, here and there but I guess people learned their lesson and I learnt mine. Sometimes, you just have to smile and nod, even though you have no idea what's going on. Although that did not change the fact I was still a loner, still though there were people that kinda understand the person I am it went okay.

What if they were a part of my family now? Gosh, I think most of them are married already and the probability of me seeing them again is quite slim, since I skipped most of the reunions my school did. I will go there once I pursue my PhD only.

WHAT IF?? they did come, or maybe one of them decided to come back, and married one of my sisters?

YOU AGAIN??????????????

I would actually welcome them, I don't think they would recognized me anymore or even know how much I have actually changed. To think that they could repeat the same shit they did back then. They are wrong, DEAD wrong....

Opss, that's another movie ;)

Budget

I did something that I love to do, but fail to execute. Budgeting. I had all sorts of plan to do on my imaginary budget, but most of it never materialised. Its either, I spend it all, I already lock my self into a long term monthly payment, or trying to keep up with the Joneses. At my current situation, I have no stable income, although I finally did something smart and applied for the Demonstrator job available. Its basically a task that I have done for free for the past 2 1/2 years but never qualified for payment. So far that is the only real thing that is going into my account that is real, and its only per semester.

Right now I am applying for a tutor position in my lab, which is surprisingly supported by almost all the lecturers. It has a pretty good salary if the pay is the same as a friend who is doing the almost same thing in another faculty. However, I shall not get my hopes up, even though the Head of Department supported it, and even the new Dean, who replaced the former jerk. Somebody in the main campus can always destroyed my hopes and dreams.

The worst part of it, is that I already made a budget of how the money will be spent. That's kinda stupid because I am working a false pretense of something that may or may not happen. Another ugly truth that I found out, is that, according to the budget, I don't have much left to spend.

Its not all that bad, since I did allocated some money for savings, for PTPTN (who just sent me the warning letter because I did not tell them I was furthering my studies) and even some for my mother.

A lot of the budget went into my soon to be new car, to replace the almost 20 year old car that I am driving. I mean its relatively a good option, since the old car has high roadtoax, high fuel consumption and high maintenance. I don't mind having it sent for repairs, I just hate the fact that most of the parts takes days to be located. I also do not plan to pay for 9 years on my car, since its basically renting your vehicle.

However it does need a basic safety equipment, which is kinda top spec for Malaysia cars. Things such as 2 airbags (the western world has minimum of 6) and ABS. Even these two are only available in top specs for each version.

However for these things, I am looking at almost half of my salary going to a car. It could be solved by getting a cheaper car which will only take up a comfortable 1/3of my salary which does include fuel, toll, and maintenance. Actually that 1/2 of my salary does include fuel, toll, and maintenance. I dunno why I freak out so easily.

Its not even real, the salary, the job nor the car. The only thing that is real, is the 20 year old car, the pending thesis and this lap top. That is what I do, which is dwelling on a pure thought. I gotta get out of this rut (perhaps put some pictures in too, this is a laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaazy blog) but then, its still mine :)

Too Much

Remember that feeling when you laugh so hard that your ribs hurt, well I have that feeling of my ribs hurt, but not due to laughing but to coughing uncontrollably. Its the doomed dry cough. It causes you nights sleep and is a bothersome to everyone in the cinema, the library, and exam hall.

I would love to have my blocked nose back and the cough that accompanies it. They are much more manageable than this crappy cough.

It other good news, I had the largest gathering of friends that came to my house ever. Wait.... I had a large group of friends over when I was in Form 4, but that is different, since they invited themselves over by force.

It was tiring, but at least I got a lot of help from my family. Yes, we should preserve the environment by using washable plates and cups, but only if you had someone to wash it for you. I will stick to paper plates, cups and plastic utensils next time.

Out Early

Usually sleeping in early would be a great thing.. is it? I mean you get more sleep which research have said is good for your health. Also going to bed early means you are probably sick and need the rest

Well, I am in for both reasons. I am feeling unwell and I feel I need the sleep (besides I gotta stop coming in late, its getting ridiculous). However the last two days that I managed to sleep early and woke up (relatively) early, has lead me to these vivid dreams.

The first dream was about me forgetting a travelling date that I had with a friend. I totally believed that is was real and can't seem to realize it. It took a long time to snap out of that dream

In the second dream, I dream I had to go back to UiTM to do my degree, I even went back to my old hostel. I was told I had to take a few classes before I can graduate. It was terrible, not only I had no place to live in the hostel (every room was full) I knew no one there. I was so upset and cried in my dream, till I realized, I already graduated, and had my convocation. I even finished my degree and had its convocation too. Then I managed to snap out of the dream and woke up to reality.

Ergh.. god knows what the heck my mind is playing with me tonight..