Monday, October 25, 2010

A rambling of a damn fool

I feel there is a target on me

Actually I have no idea for a title, but yeah, its kinda true.. oh who am I kidding, its 100% true. Its my rambling, and lately, I got tons of it. If my Blackberry is connected to the RIM service, you would probably hear more of my ramblings, updated almost anywhere.

Lately, rambling is all that I have been writing, except for the "You Again" movie contest, which I won. However even that contest, does not feel like a contest, since the event that happened really made me think about how left out sometimes I felt at school and how socially awkward I can be. Make no mistake, I can be really extrovert if I choose to, but sometimes I just wanna hide in corner somewhere.

Gosh, I just clean up my closet for the god knows how many times. Its still cluttered. I am guilty of this syndrome, we call hoarding. I just don't throw stuff away. I would say I am a mild hoarder, since I do throw stuff away. I just need it to be so cluttered that I had to threw some stuff away of I will be tripping over them.

I got rejected for my tutor application. It was very heartbreaking.. No actually it was very frustrating since the reason given was my I did not fulfill the required CGPA. Well they said the required CGPA is 3.0 above and I did get above that. Are they biased since I am from a private college? are they checking every semester of my degree days to see if I have 3.0 in each semester? Yes, I did drop below 3.0 in one semester but I also managed to get 3.5 in another semester too. Are they judging based on my diploma CGPA which is 2.12, it was not my proudest moment, but I learned from my mistakes. I can accept my rejected application if the reason given was logical.

I can't help it, this whole rejection thing, plus an aching back due to gym (which will get worse on the second day), lack of sleep, and my thesis quality, is really making me want to be that introvert person, and be drawn in deeply. Perhaps being drawn in deeply is what I actually need. I almost feel like running away, but I always finish what I started, well almost, but then I always finish all of my studies

Its kinda like a cruel joke, specifically for me, when people said I should just further my Phd, and worry work later. Seriously, sure its sounds fun getting money from your parents, but its not what I want to do now. The shame, embarrassment, helplessness, feeling tied up, feeling that I have more responsibility, the feel that I can't get mad, the feeling that I must agree with everything they do. Its tiring, so mentally tiring, I want to escape it all.

I did feel better for a while, then I dwell on the feeling and started feeling terrible all over again. Silly Budlee, always getting distracted by all the little things
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