I can't do this.

I can't do this.

I can't performed the dissection of the frozen cats, rabbits and mouse deer (at least that is what my advisor told me of the content in the big black plastic bags)

Not because the only dissection I have done was on mice, not because I have no clue which part of the muscle to keep, not because I don't know is it possible to keep the frozen blood, not because the decomposing cats strangely smells like ripe mangoes.

But its because the animals was frozen solid.. and I can't cut through it. Also, when I am nervous I tend to sweat, and when one wears a spectacle while sweating the sweat gets into one's eye. Too add that problem, my specs kept fogging up from my own breath...

This is like CSI, but I am working on frozen carcasses.. Hmm this is like a pathologist work, which is basically studying the tissues after the organism death. Hmm.. forensic kinda of work you might say. A colleague of mine and my co advisor said forensic entomology is a good field to jump into because there not many of those in that qualification in Malaysia..

Hmm.. perhaps I am thinking too forward, let me get through cutting out this animals first...

Where did everyone go

I came to the lab this morning with everyone in my lab are on leave or have meeting outside the campus. So I am all alone in the lab.

So big, so empty,so quiet. Its as if I came to the lab on Saturday. It kinda sucked, because my lab technologist holds most of the keys and our own "pantry" was in her locked office. I was a little woozy as a result because I did not get my morning blast of Tongkat Ali Cafe.. At least I get to do a bit more work by listing down all the things that need to be done. I have to get my self busy and immerse my self with my study, not only for the benefit of my research but to the benefit of my relationship. Busy vs not so busy is not a good combination in a relationship. Both must be equally busy or must do something to make them selves busy so that one will not bother/nag/"merengek" towards the other. I had to make little alarms and reminder in my phones so that I won't steer of course too much. I will be getting a sticker for my motorcycle, I just hate the beady stares of the guard when I ride my motorcycle into the campus. If I drive the old 190e or the Naza Ria, they don't even bat an eye lid.

Crazy...

It was a dreadful day for me, in fact it was a dreadful 3 days since Monday. The only time I was truly happy was the dinner at William on Monday.

I got an assignment that is due on Tuesday and I still haven't got it done. I have this very laid back, very cool personality which is very bad for a person because it make the person lazy and will make them easily satisfied. So I am trying to change this personality into something better. So far stress, and I mean real stress is the only way I could get my mind moving for now. I want to change that soon.
I was so focused with work that all I had for breakfast and lunch was these pastelles mints..

As you can see, I only have adrenaline keeping me awake and going to finish this work.

On top of that my car is still not fixed fully, the guy above is the head mechanic working on my car. The guy who use to work on my car, quit to open his own shop. Anyways the car is still not working 100% yet. Tomorrow after work will I check the aircond system and to get the replacement radiator water level sensor.

These are what was replaced and repaired through out the week I rempit to UPM

The total cost..yes I know its high, but the fuel pump control unit eats up the most budget. A new one would cost us RM 2700. This device tells the engine how much fuel to squirt at a given time. All electronic fuel injection (EFI) cars have this device in one form or another. However most kancils, iswaras and other really old car don't have to worry about this problem because your car uses a carburetor, which is just strictly mechanical.

Sleepy Diet..

So sleepy today, my allergies is still acting up, there was no claritin around so I decided to take on of my parents antihistamine meds. Bad move, I forgotten the kinds my parent have was the sleepy one.. So tired.. ZZZZZzzzzzz

This exactly what I would do if I do not have any coffee with me.. zzzzzz..

I participated in a survey conducted by the Food Nutrition and Health Faculty to found the relationship between obesity and nutrition. It took about 19 minutes to do the whole registeration and data recording stuff. I am just interested in my cholesterol and sugar count in my blood and my BMI. I managed to snap the above slip before I gave it back to them. I think this is a good step in getting a healthier body since I will be getting information about nutrition and exercise (its not like i ignorant about this, its just there is no one with a whip to boss me around..) This study will be conducted for 3 months so they will measure a before and after measurement. Hopefully the number above will change.

Homogenizer

See this, this pot looking thing is actually a chinese tea cup. I was served tea (not sure whether chinese or green tea) at Shah and Beruang's house when I went there to give them a homogenizer (a scientific name for a lesung really :p) made from wood that was given by Awie to me to be given to them. Not meant to be used but as a source of decoration, Anyways other than the unique shape, the design is pretty unique too. The cup may look full but the base is hollow, meaning when you have hot tea in it, the based feels cool but the rims feel hot. Great way to enjoy tea if you asked me :)

I had a great chat with my prof about doing my future in PhD in Malaysia. He said from his personal point of view of his experienced of doing it for 8 years in the US, he hated going to class and rather just basked in the summer sunshine, sit on the bench at the park during spring, or just ice skate in the frozen lake during winter. Sure the experienced is enriching to live in another country, but you are there to study and not to enjoy. Sure you may have you breaks to travel and such but in the back of your head, that assignment, that deadline and that quiz will always be there. Its not a honeymoon or a vacation, but hard work. I rather vacation there than study and go crazy for another 5 years.

But then those are views of those that have experienced living there. I would not stop those who chose to study overseas, but right now, going overseas is not my cup of tea for the moment. Definitely a new outlook in life for me. Thanks to those who commented on my previous post about my complains of the future. 6 more years at least to study. I will get a job as a tutor when I do my PhD, so at least if I made enough I could choose to have the Independence I crave, or to satisfy my current materialistic needs. Future here I come :)

Sunday

Another Sunday just passed me by and another day just gone by. At least I got a lot done today so it was a day that is well used :).

My DNA extraction kit had just arrived, so now I have to really understand the operating procedure so I don't screw up all the time :p

Needle of doom or needle of life, you decide. Killing mouse so that other mammals could stay alive.

I seem to be on the bad luck side of obtaining a clear peritoneal fluid, I always seem to puncture a blood vessel so ended up the peritoneal fluid is contaminated with blood.

I took my youngest sister out to lunch today, since my eldest sister wants to sleep in and my younger brother has a gig that he is playing. Our favourite restaurant, Nandos.

My sister had her usual 1/4 chicken, Mild peri peri with 2 servings of peri chips

I loved their Chicken Caesar Salad, with 5 strips of Extra Hot Peri Peri chicken.

The soft grilled toasted port rolls is something that we always ordered. My youngest sister is so crazy about their bread.

Oh yes a serving of Peri Chips for me. Do you believe I would only have salads for lunch. You got to be kidding me.. :p

Then off to the arcade, to play table hockey. I forgot my younger sister is no longer the short girl who does not know how to play. Darn it, she has great reflexes and she beat me to a pulp :(

I been wanting to get a new sandals since last year, but only today I decided to get one. Somehow my comfort store will always be Bata. Any type of shoes I would get at Bata, from leather, sports, and sandals. Its just so much easier and I know I would like it. Probably some of you would fall off your chair hearing the thought of buying Bata shoes, but currently it fits my budget quite nicely :p

The future

I had a great chat with a friend today about my future. I said after my masters, I would just like to work and buy a house, a car and travel. But he said, continue study lah. He said I am lucky because my life is still suitable to become a student. My dad still be working for another 7 years, my mum is still healthy, i have my own room, and i get to use the car. unlike some who had to work because they need to help their family or they do not have the funds to further it..

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Sigh.. I just want to say they are wrong, but they are right, even though my dad is like raging bull in the house, its not like he is a raging bull all the time just when there is no ciggarettes around, mothers are naturally worried about their children, so white lies could cover that up, siblings are annoying, but just locking the door of our own rooms should do the trick.

Hmm... I mean why not right.. might as well got straight to the finish line.. I mean I struggled in diploma and still graduated, I hated my college (cough.. KUTPM cough MSU cough SUCKS) but I still graduated, I felt like jumping off the top floor of the building but I never even been to the top floor yet...so why not right?..

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I am just about to finish my 2 semester, so I almost have a year left to do my research. GULP!!!!

One of the fears about PhD is that, I have to be a student again, for another 4 years. meaning still depending on parents, still living with them, still driving the old old old car. I will be 30 by the time I finished my PhD, which means I was a student for 23 years. I will have all the degree that a person would have if they just never stopped studying. Secondary School, Diploma, Degree, Masters, and Phd. Our wall is already full with my convocation pictures.....

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Another thing is that I do not want to do my PhD outside Malaysia, even though everybody is telling me to do it in the US or UK. But I like what I have in Malaysia now, I had lived in another country before for 3.5 years, I have the experienced of being a minority. I like what I have now, I like the friends I made now, I liked the people I met now, I like my blog very much and I am so thankfull for those who actually reads it.

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Hmm maybe I need time to think about it, I have 1 more year left before I finish my masters, maybe I will have an answer by then

Bummer...

The cat video cheered me up just a little. I still went to bed feeling like crap and woke up feeling like shit. Although smelling very nice with the perfume my sister bought me at her small french boutique. I hate people who break their promises, maybe its life's way to teach me how my professors feel when I did not deliver the literature review and the genomic DNA profile after they asked me repeatedly. Maybe its stings a little bit more, coming from someone you care you much. I think its my fault because I took their words to seriously, its like each word that comes out of that person's mouth is a promise for me......

HOW NAIVE!!!!!!!!

I just make like the easiest target to get played with you know, so easy to trust people, so eager to like people, that I have forgotten about my self. Its true I do not have much experienced with people and relationships. I mean before only people I met in school I would considered as friends, but after school is over or there is a break, automatically they disappear. At 25 only, I could meet people outside my working or comfort zone. Only now I get to learn to read people. My sister was stabbed in the back so many times at school by her so called female friends, she has like this ultra sensitive bitch sense. She will take like 2 hours to just observed my female companion and she will conclude "I don't like her, she is a bitch". Which is true by the way, because that particular companion was a total bitch to my classmate.

Oh crap... do I have to learn the hard way... getting lied, cheated, hurt... again and again... is there any thing in a bottle I could take to learn faster about this. I could finish my PhD and still don't have a clue in reading people....

Wait.. now that makes a good thesis.. a research on making a drug that allows us to be more alert and determined other people's behaviour.....

Hmmmmmmmm.....

He says, she says

I had lunch quite late with a colleague of mine. Well actually I came to the Golf first and the she came along just after I was finished but I still sat along with her to sembang2. We were talking about our project and such. We talked about my prof and our Master work.She was in her 3rd semester and she has finished half of her thesis. Her work is more field based while mine is molecular and very lab based. She has a supervisor who gives her all sorts of admin work to do, while all I have to do other than my thesis and class is to be the IT guy when my prof faces problems with his computer and Internet.

Right now I am getting prepared with my up coming project which is to produce recombinant protein. I am not saying that I was happy but I am not saying I am exactly annoyed but maybe its just an observation. She maybe a bit stress because it seems I don't do much work around here and just stayed in my tiny room. I mean she does not have a clue of what I am doing but she gives such comments? I think its not fair, because I never question her work in front of her. I mean I could just shot her down with the fact all she does is field work, which is great to help people, but for the future, it may be hard for her to do her PhD.
My work is molecular based which is the future of all research. No I don't have to go out and drive to all my research areas like her, while I could just stay in the lab all the time. Maybe she is stressed because she has to handle labs, and other supervisor admin work but that is how her supervisor work. Her supervisor wanted to train her to become a tutor. I still have class with my prof and doing all these molecular and genetic stuff that has never been taught during degree. Yes my personality is the type that is less stressed and laid back, which to some people it shows that I am lazy. Well that is me, like do you even know what I go through. I mean we all have issues of our own.

I was kinda annoyed that she assumed I am doing nothing much like what she is doing. Little does she know the hells gate that is about to be opened once I start producing my recombinant protein, vaccination trials, histopath slide preparation, and autopsy. I mean she and I has a completely different thesis. I know her supervisor does not agree with what my professor is doing and I know by heart my professor does not agree with what my friends thesis is about.

Well only time can tell right, whose thesis is more valuable. The race is on sistah.. we will see who does better...

(nothing like a friendly rivalry between friends right ;) )

Most of you will probably think, that I look crazy or mad. Has the stress gotten to budlee? some may ask..

It's 1.17am and I am still perky and cheeky with no sense of sleepiness.

Its because of this coffee, I ran out of coffee in the lab, so I need to restocked my supplies. I have my Old Town at home but Red packet Nescafe 3 in 1 taste so plain. I wanted to try this type of Nescafe added with Tongkat Ali and ginseng. It taste great, I guess to mask the herbs that they added they need to amke the coffee taste more appealing.

I was up looking at my yeast expression system to produce my recombinant protein. I finally found the correct one and I brought all the information I that my supervisor need to design the right kind of primer. She wants the genomic DNA profiling by next week, so I need to prepare.

Another day, another choice

Another day in the life of a struggling master student. Actually all of us are struggling in one way or another and we make a choice each day. Continue or quit. Its a choice we make everyday when we wake up to the lab

I went to see a proposal presentation today. Its basically just a seminar where students will present their proposal in front of a panel and their peers. It prepares us for the frightening Viva Voce that we need to do so that our thesis will be finish.

Not many students watched these things because everybody is preoccupied with their own research.

I jotted down a few tips that is very crucial when participating and presenting in these seminars.

1. Prepare
2. Interact with the panel and public, do not read
3. Practice, ask lecturers how to properly pronounced each word
4. Pray the the panel is very nice, or had a nice day. Nothing worse than a panel that is hungry and in a bad mood, They will eat you up alive.
5. Thank god when its over and pray again when you have to present your finished thesis.
   

I had to go to the main library to find some old journals for my research. This is a bit too old, 1957 the same day Malaysia got independence. I saw some journals hailing from the 1913 in a special room. Somehow that room had an eerie feeling because everything is just so old.

Found it, need it, want it, and reading it. This is the journal I am looking for

We need to buy these prepaid photostat cards in order to photostat documents or journals.

I need to photostat the journal since we cannot borrow it. Beside would I want to drag around at 3kg book.

If you are bored, there is a flat panel TV for you to watch, but the channel is set to Discovery channel only. Ok today was a busy day but I am glad I got everything done. Tomorrow is another busy day, doing genetic research. Jom, lets learn how make recombinant protein tomorrow.