Pain and Gain

I finally done it.

I finally started to listen to a reminder that I set to myself for life. I blogged. Yup, I set a reminder on my phone for life that I shall remember to blog every other night at 10pm for like, forever. Each time however, I looked at it, and totally ignored it. It’s sent on my email and I did not even switch it off. So basically, I have shit load of email of the reminder that I set, that I ignored.

Would you imagine that, living in a new apartment for work, without direct internet, is forcing me to do something other than mindlessly surfing for “videos” online. In theory, Sommerset Putri Harbor would be the best place to write blogs and shoot amazing vlogs due to fast internet and really good light and location.

Yet in a place like Sumai, I wanted to write more. However Kuala Terengganu on the second day is not so bad. I found a few places that sells cheap meals and snacks. I mean, Mama was right, I do like the food here. I mean, that is what my family does anyway, when they go to Terengganu. Eat keropok, drink coconut mixed with simple syrup, devour Satars and just eat silly.

I miss my family and the busy “ness” of it. Yet I have not applied to any newer job nor do I have better skills than becoming a Science Communicator. I would hope that my Directors switches me back, but I don’t think it will happen. I like my job, and what I do, it’s just that being away from my family, just makes everything a bit harder.

Maybe I need this pain to catapult me to the next stage. Get the camera out, type that shit, it’s time to be famous and online savvy while just not give a fuck anymore.

No pain, no gain right?

More pain More Gain

I just realised or actually, remembered something.

When I am in pain, I write more

When I am hurt, I talk more.

My mind get's cluttered and writing is the way to go.

I have a reminder that is permanent on my phone, to write blog every other night, so that I have content. I pretty much ignored it, as much as I ignored the notification for bedtimes. My mind and heart is so cluttered now. Perhaps it's time to start writing and then show the world, how a mid 30s year old Bazz is different from his late 20s.

More cam whoring I guess, more random status, and dear god more snap chat. I still can't get it to my head to actually look at the camera and say

Please like, subscribe and share this post to people. It feels so vapid in a way, am using the word Vapid correctly

I dunno....

Individually Salty and Dry

I am not sure why, but I sure do get bitter living out here in my new position of my company, this required me  to live and travel with them. Somehow I am just over them already, like all of them. Is it because of the fasting month, where I have been spending it with my family since 2007 but suddenly here I am with a bunch of strangers. I don't give a shit.

At least I ensure I have enough relationship that I could theoretically work with them but at the same time a distance. I remember that anxiety I felt in school because I had to partner with someone. Like euww, no more now. I just don't give a shit.

Now though, I could not care less. Have my heart turned into stone? I mean why can't I mingle with them. Ah the teenage me is just screaming inside. The adult me would reply, "you have nothing in common with them"

You play League of Legends, they play Dota 2
You play Pokemon on the 3ds, they play Pokemon Go
You still play the PS3, while they are playing PS4
You prefer the city, they prefer the country side
You like public transport, they prefer to drive
You prefer small efficient cars, they prefer fast one
You like small homes, they like big mansions
You take your skin diligently, while they be like "what is soap?"
You love to bake and eat, while they love to eat out


I just refuse to bend over backwards for things that I am not interested in.

Mixed Feeling and sheer randomness

As I lay in bed, I have so many conflicting feelings with my life right now.

I have so much work and yet I feel no desire to do it. I feel like kicking everyone but at the same I feel like I just want to with draw into a shell somewhere.

It feels sad a bit, that I have a lot of time, since there is no longer an 1 hour commute but at the same time, I just don't have the desire to do anything.

It may feel like depression since everything feels dead but at the same time, I feel sane enough to not take my own life. That is what I learn, what depression is ultimately is.

However does it mean you do or you don't have it?

One simply cannot just take an online quiz and declare one is mentally ill. That is like one way ticket to hypochondriac hell.

I do however feel, whenever I feel ultra sad, my social media goes hay wired a bit. It's either over sharing or under sharing.

I do feel like I am wasting everything here. So much time, just wasted in front of the television and not taking the time to make content

Like, how many of these post complaining about myself that I can make...

Mid 30s and 6 year down the job and I feel high resentment right now. Can't let this take me over. One must find things outside that makes you happy

Grr. I hate being outside and away from everything. How my stomach cringe when a random stranger would comment that its nice to travel a lot.

Oh darling, travelling for work and travelling for pleasure is so different....

Self Hate

Pretty much hate myself now

My dad died on Feb 14

I am now permanently placed in a travelling exhibition and I have to travel all over Malaysia by force for months at a time.

To add salt to wound, their are plenty of people thinking that is such a good idea... Like you can have my job and let me have a boring job staying in KL

When I am about to move into my house, I am now permanently outside

I spend my days watching random shit on TV. Even though, I don't watch that show,  I just like the numbness and also the a way to just forget everything

Meh..

Rejected, how the body just throws you a curve ball

I am moving again...

I am too old for this shit, I moved a lot before, so right now, I am enjoying just firmly grasping my roots in one place.

My work now involves me moving every 6 months. Travelling is nice, as long as you get to return to home,  but months at a time. Damn...

Somehow, my work is now related to my dad, who has to travel a lot when he was working. Up to months of a time. It was so weird that I would be doing the same travelling but in a different line of work.

Somehow my body is resisting again. I am starting to feel itchy, coughing, my nose is running, my head is spinning, all the signs of my body is resisting the move again. The only to trick my body that we are going to be ok, is to bring a lot of things that will remind me of home.

For now, the travelling will be limited to Peninsular Malaysia. Which is not bad, considering that I can drive and bring everything with me. Just nesting stuff to make everything feels like home.

If it in west Malaysia, then it would rather suck. My luggage's is definitely more than 30kg. That is like RM200 per trip, just for my bags. I am wondering if postage would be the cheaper option. Or not.

One has to do to make a living...

Ignorance; when you just don't give a f@#k about the notification

The genius me, has set up a notification where I would be reminded to write a daily blog.

That failed.

Then I tried to set the notification so that I would blog every other day.

That failed too.

I could say it was due to sheer laziness, and it is true, however, we have other platforms to talk about our shit now.

Blogs? Does it look like we live in the 2000s? as if...

Now its all about videos, in forms of Youtube, Snapchat, Instagram, and Twitter.

fuck..

Well, at least I have some followers on Instagram and FB so when I do post something, it does get into people's wall.

Unlike Snapchat, where I have no friends there :(

Twitter is ok.... I mean I did get liked on my tweet and stuff. I guess  don't Tweet that much.

Like my friend in the marketing department said, always post regularly so that your followers will remember you.

So far, I am doing that in Instagram, but then most of the follows are from people trying to sell me stuff.. Boo. but famous people has that too.

A quite place in a hectic world

I love living in the city.

The hustle bustle of the city make me feel alive because I am a city boy. However it does get on my nerve with the traffic congestion and the sheer amount of people everywhere. I commute about 3 hours a day, to and from work. These are the time, that I actually cherish and miss.

This are the time where I get to listen to music on Spotify, surf all of the social media, take a nap, or even just day dream. It's my own me time, in the sea of people. Just put on some headphones, and you are in your own bubble.

Working outside of KL, does not give me that. It's too quiet. I don't have the option to shut everything out. Even when I go to the mall, after lunch and a movie, I am ready to go home. I could actually just stay indoors for 2 direct days, because I cook all my food, which now consist of pasta and nuggets.

One thing that is good, since this is causing some internal turmoil in myself. I get to blog more, post more pictures on Instagram, take more Snapchat, Tweet a bit more and write more Facebook status. These are important things, that shows potential employers that I know my shit online, and I know pop culture.

Haha,

This might bite me later in life, when I get sick of all the pop culture. Well, I need a powerful tablet to consume even more social media, so I can over dose it.

In the end, it's my personal quite space in the hectic world of the city. Now I have to switch it up and make it the chaotic bubble in the quiet area outside of the Klang Valley

Type away my fears and create my own chaotic bubble

I rather have a root canal

Have you ever heard that saying before?

It usually used to compare two things. Normally the root canal is an option more worse than the other option. For example

"I rather have a root canal than date you"

Something cliche like that. However I had 2 root canals done and it was perfectly fine. My teeth hurt more before I did the procedure. Was root canal really bad in the past that people made this line up? I mean, the dentist use some for of anesthesia. I usually get a jab in the gums to numb the pain, and that is the only pain I have during the procedure.

On the other hand, a root canal would be better than the other option, because root canal's are awesome because it relieves the pain you had for days, and those who had toothaches before, know that it is one of the worst pain to have. I felt like somebody had a hammer and they were hitting me in the gums. Ugh.

There are so many videos on Youtube that shows the root canal procedure. You don't see the patient fidget at all. I mean, I was nervous but so far it went well.

It takes around 2-3 sessions, because the dentist need to know whether the tooth has healed or not. The reason that I had a root canal is because there was a deep cavity in my front teeth that infected the roots. So the root was infected and caused a great deal of pain for me. It got bad that, my face got swollen due to my gums. That is how bad an infected teeth can do to you.

Don't fret, just go do it. I heard in some places they give you something to calm you down, but must be some really fancy place, because the dentist I go, just use a regular anesthesia injection to the gums. Although she did apply some strawberry flavored numbing cream on my gums, before the injection. It was like a regular injection, so the pain was similar, but the numbing feeling on my face was an awesome sensation to have. Even my nostrils felt numb, LOL.

So yes, I would totally have a root canal, if I actually had a tooth ache, because root canals is not cheap.

Good times at the dentist. 

Splurging on the first day back to the office

I just spent RM 60 during lunch.

Yea, I am back in the Twin Towers. I tried to eat healthy and got a kimbab but who gets full with just a kimbab, of course I added fruit salad and some leafy salad. Bam, a RM 20 lunch. This is sometime my daily meal cost when I am in Sabah. Well, I do mostly eat at home, even though lately it's mostly cooked junk food which consist of chicken nuggets, pasta, hot dogs, and instant noodles.

It feels so good to be back and having home cooked meals while just scarfing every thing in the house. There is so much food in my parents home. I am like, who eats them all! um, all 7 people who are living there. I love the background noise at home and also the office. I love the option of ignoring people and also talking to them when I feel like it.

Unlike doing work outside, where it just me, her, him and him. God it feels insanely boring. Which means, more time to blog. Now I just realized it felt the same thing when I was doing my postgraduate. I was so bored, that I needed something else to fill that empty void. Here I am posting multiple times a day, with schedules post of some days.

Well, I do need people to read my random shit. No matter how isolated you feel, there are people who feels the same way. LOL

I gotta get back to work

Bean on toast is surprisingly tasty. I will load on beans and bread after this, but look how  not green the plate is. 

How long have I been on the internet

How long have I been on the Internet?

Well, I remember learning about the Internet and using it in the mid 90s, when we were still living in Norman, Oklahoma. I think it's something I learn both in school and home. Mostly I used it at home, at random hours for a few minutes. Everybody remembers dial up Internet, where it's either Internet or your land line phone.

It was crazy back then, and pretty boring. The Internet was mostly text. It was basically like a giant blog. In the US, everything kinda sped up a bit more. I think I remember watching the movie The Net which was roughly still the same time I was in the states. Definitely not what I seen happens in the Internet I used.

When we got back to Malaysia, my dad gotten a modem and we resumed using the Internet. However the Internet was just by the minute. OMG. It was a few cents, but it does add up with how slow everything is. Imagine how long it took to download an image. It was crazy compared to now. Technology is awesome on how it grows and stuff.

So basically I have been online for more than 20 years. That is something. I am one of the generation that lived before Internet existed and the one that caught up to the tech quite fast. Although that as fast those that were born when the Internet was already up and running. Everything at first, was made for the niche crowd. Remember Facebook was originally made for college students or something. How about Instagram was an Iphone app only.

It's cool how everyone is now able to connect online using their phones. Google is definitely one of the giants that made it possible with their open based system. Then these chip companies that made processors cheap enough so that basically anyone can do the same thing online at different price range. It just differ in the picture quality and how smooth your experience using the phone.

20 + years man. That is a more than half of my lifetime, dedicated online. No wonder I have issues with places without it. The Internet is basically family.

2017, a new year, more irritating clickbaits

Well no shit.

It does mean a lot, it does mean that I neglected writing in my blog for almost 1 year, since the post I made was done in January. Well, since I have other social media and my Iphone is the perfect seamless device to do so, why is there need for a blog right?

It was the in thing to do before 2010. I met a lot of people using this platform. It was sweet, since you get to read their innermost thought and how they view the world.

Now however, Facebook, Instagram and Twitter has got that covered very well. All the ads and everything. We get all these ads and we still use it, because mostly some of the ads is tasteful and not as intrusive.

I said it way to many time, I need to get back to blogging. It's a form of writing that is good. Now it is even more useful, since blogs it's a platform to show my writing skills or how I view the world.

I bet you, if I applied for a job, as my sister word "stake holders", honestly I still have little clue on what that means, I would need to show the interviewers how skilled I am online.

I bet you again, they would treat all the social media account as a source of resume. Perhaps they want me to give them a link of the most read post I had here.

However, it feels so saturated and annoying. I mean I genuinely enjoy some of the content people produced on their social media, although some is just so sickly following trends, or just doing it for the views and stuff.

That is the point though right? To get people reading

Hence all the irritating click bait title. I swear to god, I will never click those kind of titles

"This girl found something in her salad, we were shocked"

"A stay at home mom found a genius way to fold laundry"

"Sugar daddy reveals their secret"

Ughh... like ads that appear on any bait article that you read on Facebook or when you Google stuff, but that is the job that you see people do. There are some poor soul or saps, writing those things and an editor breathing down their neck to pursue their dead line.

Well, at least that a job that they have and something some people don't.

I have no idea anymore.

I am going to stop writing in Facebook status mode and go write some other crap. Probably need to put an alarm to remind me to type some random crap each day.

Pics of my laptop, because you need pics in a blog to keep it from being boring? I dunno.